I'm typing this out because NYCinephile asked me to.

I was never the fat kid, really. I mean...there was always someone fatter than me. I was definitely never the thin one, either. I've never worn a bikini or even felt comfortable in a normal one piece bathingsuit. I have pretty much always been overweight.

When I was in 6th grade (11 years old), taking a test, I started pulling out my eyelashes with my fingers. In history class in 8th grade (13 years old), taking a test, I pulled out all of the hair that was my right eyebrow. I found myself playing in my mom's makeup, being made fun of by my peers and not being able to stop pulling. Being overweight and not having hair on your face is (as one can imagine) fodder for all the bullies and terrifying for a 13 year old who has no idea what is wrong with her.

1996 was a big year for me. My mom thought it would be fun to take me to the doctor and "find out why I was the way I was"-fat and hairless. My mom had thought it was diabetes, but the tests came back negative. I was diagnosed with borderline high blood pressure and told to lose weight. I left the office in tears. I felt 2 inches tall.

1996 was also the year I met Greg. A 16 year old boy in my high school who was dating my best friend. During their 5 months of dating, Greg and I got close and he and my friend broke up.

1996 was about the time my grandmom cut out an article she found in a magazine and gave it to my mother. The article talked about the millions of people who have Trichotillomania and don't know it. Never heard of it? Neither had we. Google it.

In 1998, Greg and I were still dating. I decided to "lose a few pound for the prom." I lost 25 and was in the best shape of my life. One of my favorite memories from high school is the afternoon Greg playfully punched my stomach and was shocked by how hard my abs were. We both graduated that year and were getting ready to start our long distance relationship. Our colleges were about 3 hours away from each other. I stayed home in Philadelphia and went to community college and he went away to Penn State. Lonely and depressed, my weight started to go back up.

2 years later, I had saved up the money and transfered to Penn State. Walking the campus every day wasn't enough for me to not gain the freshman (in my case junior) 15. I gained about 10.

I turned 21 in 2001. Between the insane amount of food I ate and my new fascination with Yuegling and Long Island Iced Teas, I gained 10 more. It didn't help that I was still battling Trichotillomania and enjoyed napping. A lot. I was now 180 pounds and only 5'4".

December 2002 marked our graduation from Penn State. We were "officially" engaged a month afterwards. We set a date of October 30th, 2004 and I went straight into "I have to fit into a wedding dress mode". I lost 25 pounds and my dress fit perfectly...even though we were both stressed out by buying a house the same week as the wedding. I was able to grow back some eyelashes and eyebrows by the wedding. Not completely, but enough to convince myself that I could beat the disorder.

I became increasingly frustrated with the management at my job and turned to comfort food. While looking for another job, I gained all of the weight back. I started my new job in June of 2005. The new job is in loss prevention which involves me running after shoplifters for the most part.

In January of 2006, I weighed myself. 188. The highest ever. The hubby and I decided to change our lifestyles. I introduced vegetables to his diet. He bought be a treadmill for my Christmas last year.

We were doing well until May of this year and I was down to 166lbs. In May, though, we remodeled our kitchen all by ourselves. This forced us to eat out for every meal. Luckily, I gained only about 5 pounds during the 5 months we were without a kitchen.

Greg found Traineo on November 25th. The rest in history.

Although, I am also happy to report that I have beaten Trichotillomania. Pull free since January of 2006.

I have pictures in the flickr gallery. "After" one will come...after.

Nice to meet you all.

~Jessie~

Congratulations! Keep it up!.

It is wonderful that the two of you stayed together through everything!

congrats!
what you are doing is truly amazing.
i saw your post about traineo in a livejournal community - you are the reason I joined!
keep up the fabulous work.

@Jessie: I admire the courage you demonstrated by publicly sharing the details of what, I assume, is a painful story. I hope that we can provide the support you need here.

Contact me via Traineo Messaging if you would like to join any of the weight- and fitness-related teams listed on my 43 Things.

Welcome. I think there's a good group of people here, and hope you find that to be true as well. Enjoy, life is good.

@Kat: Welcome to Traineo! Don't hesitate to let us know how we can support you.

Jessie, Thank you for sharing your story. It is inspiring and touching.

Looks like you found a good guy...hope all remains well throughout your life.

Do you feel better after writing that?

Keep up the good work!

@all:Thanks!

@kat:Awesome...glad you did. I hope you get as much out of traineo as I have so far.

@NYCinephile:That means a lot. I'll look into 43things. I'm sure I'll find something.

@Vrinda:Looking over it again, I realized there is so much more I could have said...but I'll spare you.

@Nathan:I think so! Actually, I do. I consider myself a Trichotillmania advocate now. I'll tell anyone who will listen.

Jessie,

How did you beat trichotillmania? I have a close friend who suffers from it as well.

@Richard:

Since I was pulling eyelashes and eyebrows, it was impossible to hide. All of the makeup in the world doesn't make no eyebrows look like eyebrows. I hated having to add and extra half hour or so to my morning and dedicate it to drawing them on. The process took many tries...they were always crooked.

The change came when I realized that our wedding pictures would be around forever and our great great grandkids would see them and wonder what was wrong with Great grandma Jessie. I really really didn't want my wedding pictures to show my drawn on face. Nobody can understand how much.

Of course, when the hair started to grow back, the eyebrows weren't growing in symmetrically...that'd be too easy. Up until about a month before the wedding I was still filling in some empty spots.

I knew deep down that there would be a day when I'd wake up and I wouldn't find the makeup on my pillow...when I'd get out of the shower and be able to put on mascara, when I was...happy.

After the wedding, I slipped. Once. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was too late. I had to start almost from the beginning.

I went online to see suggestions on how to "beat it". I decided the best for me would be to do something else that keeps my fingers busy...hence the reason you see me posting so much. Kidding. Actually, it usually involved me scratching my head (sometimes until it bled) or biting my nails. Another bad habit, I know, but I'd much rather have no fingernails than no hair on my face. Besides, having no nails makes pulling nearly impossible and getting tweezers is just the lazy way out.

Another thing that helped was that if Greg would see me pulling, he'd grab my hands and not let go. I have a thing about not having control of my arms..it freaks me out. I'm sure that without Greg's help and support, I'd still be pulling. He was my motivation. He told me I could do it. I sank into a deep depression when I slipped and he was there to tell me to quit crying and beat this thing. So I did.

Don't get me wrong: I still get urges. When I have nails and the urge gets really bad I pull from a place that isn't noticable...my legs or the lone hair that grows on my chin.

It's amazing what a little self motivation will do. I just wonder why I couldn't have found it sooner.

Jessie,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It really helps us to get to know you, and you should be proud of all that you have overcome!

Jennie

J A Thanks for the inspirational story. Keep on Keeping On

Thanks for the story. It is really inspirational and it is such a long journey but you are such a brave and strong person. Each time you meet an obstacle, you work hard to overcome it. Thanks for sharing. I wish you all the best with your husband and future!

I also saw your post on Live Journal. I am inspired to try again with becoming healthy. Thank you.