I have two passions in life. Antithetically, cycling and chocolate... I am a strong cyclist and, whilst I've not competed (yet), I am very rarely now overtaken. As for chocolate (I mean "real chocolate"; single estate stuff, not that vegetable fat, mass-produced rubbish): what's not to love!? In fact, although it's been a while (one tends to lay off the brown gold while training!), I can determine the continent -- even the country -- of origin by taste alone.
Anyway, I digress!... I decided that, whilst I am still young, I would pursue my cycling dreams. At the risk of sounding negative, I'm probably not the next Lance Armstrong (he was a world champion at a couple of years younger than I am now); but I think I have it in me to become professional. (Again, forgive the self-doubt, but there are a lot of factors here and one has to be realistic. I've never raced, after all!) Nonetheless, my backup (and perhaps more long-term) plan is obvious: a chocolatier, or thereabouts.
Making such a decision feels good. Really good. Particularly since my "day job" is literally boring me to death! Having direction is epiphanic. However, no matter how determined one is, I am only human: susceptible, at times, to doubt, insecurity and lack of motivation. Hence this post.
Incidentally, I apologise that this is more of a "blog-style soliloquy" than a topic of discussion; which is why I've posted it in the Off Topic forum. I'm not looking for replies or comments; it's just nice to get things like this off your chest, once in a while! Some may empathise. (Also, I've got nothing else to do, here at work
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It is good practice, whilst training at such levels, to not only take the odd rest day, but a rest week (or so) periodically. I take one every fourth week; this is such a week... Combined with this, I also treat myself to comfort food (as you may have guessed, I've rather the sweet tooth) without, in theory, feeling guilty. (However, in future, I think I will offset my comfort week and rest week, so that I can cycle off the excess calories!)
This comfort/rest week has been rather disappointing... For instance, I fancied a quarter-pounder today -- something I haven't indulged in in years. It wasn't bad; but it wasn't 500kcal good! Which brings me to another point: I am beginning to find calorie counting and analysis of every last morsel that I consume almost obsessive. What I need is a slap and some real chocolate; but that will make me feel far too guilty!
Furthermore, I am tired. Not tired in that I need to sleep, or over-exerted tired; starved tired, I guess... Yesterday, for instance, I went for a walk at lunch -- I usually walk very fast, but instead I could barely lift my arms and legs. By the time I go to bed I'm exhausted and usually don't want to get up in the morning (well, less so than usual!)... I think this is mainly because I am limiting my food intake so dramatically (and that work is particularly dull at the moment). I worry that I won't have the energy or inclination to get back on my bike; especially considering the bad weather.
I am not a heavy guy. I weigh 10st. 140lbs. For a 6'1" male, that's very underweight... However, I keep it this low because the lighter I am, the less I have to carry on my bike; which make things like hills and sprints a lot more competitive. The problem is, with a reduced energy intake, my performance is adversely affected. It's a balance that I am unfortunately yet to find; and it's frustrating.
However, there is also a degree of superficiality involved! I used to be 16st. I kid you not. It makes me feel good to know that, without anyone else's help and sheer determination, I lost 84lbs and now have a very healthy (if not slightly supercilious) lifestyle. That said, I still consider myself "fat" -- in that I have a lot of excess baggage that I cannot seem to shift (another reason for the minimal amount of food; which doesn't seem to be working). Don't get me wrong, I'm not anorexic (or suffer some other eating disorder): despite being very underweight, I'm not winning any swimsuit contests! I'm not what you would call "toned" (apart from my quads and, for some reason, shoulders)... I'm a scrawny but still doughy guy; and that's even more frustrating! Especially after all my hard work.
It's a battle. My desire to be a cyclist -- a great cyclist -- against everything from fatigue and boredom to genetics and self-doubt (after all, what is athleticism but vainglory?). My sweet tooth doesn't do much for my physique, but it's kept in moderation just to keep me sane!
What really gets me, however, are those people who do no exercise whatsoever; eat highly processed, very unhealthy, fatty, calorific foods (the very thought of which makes me feel it necessary to do another 20 miles) on a regular basis; drink themselves into a stupor every night. You know the kind (I work with several)! Yet, all the same, still maintain themselves to a level deemed to be "acceptable"... Agreeably, in a few years, said people will probably die of heart disease or suffer some other chronic illness; but at least they had fun doing it!
Sometimes, I feel, we all take things a little too seriously.
OK, I'm done now... and it's nearly time to go home
