Here's my problem. I feel like if I involve my wife in my working out in any capacity it actually discourages me from working out.

Before I explain further let me set the background. I am extremely competitive and when I do something I need to completely focus on it or I give up before finishing. This is in all parts of my life. For instance, If I'm reading or watching TV, I do not hear what is going on around me and am absorbed into the experience. Working out is the same way for me.

As a result I am successful one of two ways. Either I need to do something on my own or I need someone to make me do it to the point where I don't have a choice. When anyone else is involved that doesn't fit that picture it is extremely frustrating to me and usually drives me to quit before finishing. My wife often jokes that I have ADHD partially because of the way I intensely focus on whatever I do or I lose all ability to focus on that item.

OK, so back on the issue. I'm just starting out with really getting back into working out and eating a bit better, but I know that if I talk with my wife about it on a regular basis I'll lose my motivation to do it properly and will quit. She is not the type of person that can get on my case about something and stand up to me because I am extremely strong willed and she just isn't. She is also in better shape and a healthier eater than I am so I often feel disappointed in myself when I explain my workouts (a 1 mile run this morning for instance) knowing that she was training for running in half-marathon's before getting pregnant.

I'm really just at a lack of ideas on how I should handle this. I tell my wife pretty much everything and while I want her to motivate me to do this I just don't think she is the right person to do that based on how we are. I wouldn't have a problem explaining this to her and have with different things in the past, but then I feel like even if we didn't talk about it the topic would be out there and we'd be thinking about it, which would drive me to feel the same way as if we were talking about it.

Any ideas? Do I actually keep this from my wife to help me accomplish it? Is that even healthy to do?

you're asking if keeping secrets from the wife for selfish reasons would be OK?

How long have you been married? She's liable to find out you've been working out and think you're having an affair.

Probably would be better to be truthful with her and maybe ask her for 6 months or so on your own so you can "catch up" with her. Tell her you want to do things with her but you don't feel that you are fit enough yet to do so. Then include a mix of activities you can do together and those you do on your own. Me, I like daily workouts by myself. But the wife and I go hiking together.

To expand: eat well, work out, be proud, make it a way of life.

No way of life I've ever known has been a secret from any of the people in it.

I see your predicament. As for the ADHD label, I can relate to that too as I have been given the same title myself on various occassions as I appear to have a similar approach to challenges and experiences.

I had to get over my weaknesses by using the 100% rule, which was surprisingly easy given my nature and worked a treat. Because my mind races I used to find that whenever there was a blank slot in my day, my brain would kick in and start to think at 1000mph. Even if I didn't want it to, it had to be stimulated or engaged in something. It used to frustrate the hell out of me and equally the people around me. In fact there are moments when it still does, but I am much more in charge nowadays. I gaurantee you will have heard of a version of the 100% rule before, so I'm confident I'm not telling you anything new. However, this is how it goes. When at work be 100% at work. Don't think about the weekend, your wife, your family, your working out, your summer holiday or anything except work. When with your wife be 100% with your wife (yeah spend the first 20 mins you see her in the evening talking about your day and sharing experiences but concentrate on your wife). When with your wife don't think about work, training, friends, family, future goals or anything except being with your wife. When training focus entirely on training. This is the easiest as for the over-active mind, training is not just physical exercise. It is a brain dump where for the duration of the activity my mind is actually clear and calm. For me training is meditation and I need it, as the calmness remains after the activity. Maybe you'll experience the same, I don't know. After the activity, sure why not tell your wife what you did, but then move on to her and forget about training.

To a very crude rule. What goes at work stays at work. What you share with your wife stays with your wife. What you do when you train stays at your training area etc.... I'm not talking about keeping secrets, I'm talking about where the priority of your focus is. Talking to my ex-girlfriend was never the problem, it was the fact that I'd be locked into that train of thought and was talking at her about myself oppose to sharing the experience. She was interested in my day until I got locked onto a subject and could think of nothing else. Cos from that point it wasn't a conversation it was a brain dump, from my brain to her lap. It was never her problem.

I used to think of training at work, think of work when I was at home with my girlfriend, think of my girlfriend when I was out with my mates, and no matter what the situation my mind was constantly active and constantly elsewhere. I know what you mean about locking into the TV. I don't even like TV but sometimes it used to be nice just look at the flashing lights and get sucked into a trance. So peaceful and relaxing, and my mind is occupied even if it was drivel. Nowadays I see TV for what it is and don't really get into that state, though every now and again I do vegetate in front of it simply to give my mind a rest. Normally by carefully selecting a film from my collection that I know I'll enjoy and just zoning out.

I don't know if this helps, but I'd suggest giving the 100% rule a try. I'm not with my girlfriend anymore for differing reasons, however she thought it was fantastic when I used this rule and the household was so much more harmonious. Also, I got more done, as I could focus my mind into action instead of destructive thinking.

Hope my experience helps, though I think I've started waffling.

All the best

@Dean - Wow...I think you hit the nail on the head! I've never heard someone explain the way my mind works more perfectly, not even myself. I'm going to give that a shot and see how it works.

@splint - LOL on the affair comment. I've been married 3 years and when I read your comment I realized that I could see this happening if I worked out when my wife was home and refused to tell her what I was doing. Thankfully, my relationship with my wife doesn't have any concerns at all in that regard and the reason that didn't enter my mind when I explained the situation is my workout time is when my wife is at work so even when I workout I am not taking time away that I'd normally spend with her or that she would even think anything different than I'd be at work (which is at home btw).

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far. I'm actually amazed that the responses came so fast. I've just started really using traineo and didn't realize it had the community aspect it does.

I wasn't even thinking of time spent, I was thinking of the obvious weight loss, more energy, and overall increase in general happiness that consistently working out gives a person. If you make major life changes and the wife isn't clued into as why you may wake up with your "little Brian" superglued to your stomach.

I think you should let your wife read this and if she doesn't understand and respect your feelings, divorce her.

I never really kept my working out or change of diet a secret from my husband... At times he was fairly discouraging.. But after quite some time and persistence he now understands more and is actually really helpful with it at times.

I think if it's already come up on your mind then its better to tell her then let it become some kinda of void..

cheers!

I can understand your predicament, even though my motivations are different. I'm not a competive person, like at all, but when I'm a bit of a perfectionist. If I'm working on something new, and anyone makes a big deal about it, I mentally freak out and quit. Crazy, yes. But I get you.

I think that Dean's explanation of the 100% rule, combined with Splint's suggestion of a 6 month buffer period may help. Let her know WHAT you're doing, but don't go into the details of "I ran this far, etc.". Instead, just let her know, hey, I'm working out, but I want to have a chance to build these habits on my own before I involve anyone else. By the time that 6 months is up, you will have either created the habit, or given up, with or without your wife's motivation. Hopefully the former, and you may feel more comfortable talking about your progress.

Good luck!